Our Children Owe Us Nothing

My wife works in a skilled nursing facility and deals with many elderly people, many of whom depend on their children for various things: transportation, moving, emotional support, even financial support. She see very large differences in how willing the children are to help out their parents in their later years and says that people should be good to their children if they want to expect help from them later on.

What???

Be good to your children?  You mean other than give them life, feed them, shelter them, and wipe their nasty asses? You mean other than deal with all of their meltdowns and their complaints all while raising them to be good, successful human beings? Isn't that enough? Why should we have to be nice to them as well? Make them like us? Don't they just automatically owe us for everything we've already done for them raising them? If we changed their diapers when they were babies, shouldn't they be happy to change our diapers when we are old and decrepit? Isn't that part of the deal?

There was no deal.

Our children did not choose to be born. We chose to have them. We chose to have the pleasure and responsibility of being a parent. If we didn't want the hardships that come with parenting, then we shouldn't have made the choices that led to having children. While we may hope to have great relationships with our children after we raise them, we are not owed this. We have to earn it by going above and beyond what we committed to doing by bringing them into the world. And even if we do "earn" it, they don't owe us. We can only hope for reciprocation of the love we give them just as we can only hope for the reciprocation of the love we give anyone else. 

Infant scientist now has to learn about a real baby

The word ‘infant’ comes from the Latin word infans, which means ‘without speech’ (‘in’ = not; ‘fans’ = speak)

I’ve been studying infant development for about 20 years, but I haven’t changed a single diaper. My wife assures me that this gap in my baby knowledge will be filled very quickly after the birth of our son (in about 2 weeks). I’ve conducted research experiments on 100s of babies, at least, trying to figure out how they go from crying, pooping, speechless little creatures to crying, pooping little creatures that who speak (and backtalk). So there are some things I know about babies, but I fear that this scientific knowledge has done nothing to prepare me for the real thing.

Well, maybe fear isn’t the right word. I’m excited. I am a little anxious. I’m also curious. What’s it going to be like to see one baby every day, developing little by little. Will he hit all of the developmental milestones on time? Will he even show all of them? I know there is a lot of individual variability across infants. I’ve seen it in the data. But what will his specific deviations from the norm be? And how will I respond to them? Will I be worried despite my knowledge that individually variability is normal? Or will I even care? This baby might seem perfect to me no matter what he does and which developmental milestones he hits. I just don’t know at this point.

What I do know is that I have a lot to learn, and I’m looking forward to learning it. I’m also looking forward to sharing the experience with my wife. Although I’ve been thinking a lot about what it’s going to be like, it’s still kind of an abstract fantasy to me. The reality hasn’t set in, even though I can feel the little guy moving around inside my wife. I’m not sure if the reality really will set in until I can actually see him and hold him.

Or maybe not until I change his diaper for the first time.

Damned Chimney

Three weeks until my son's due date, and we're finishing up some last-minute home improvement projects. I'm told this is called nesting. I get it. We want the home to be a good environment for this new little life we'll be bringing home.  And I'm sure he'll appreciate the effort...

But now this damned chimney! What started out as a simple tuck point has turned into a major overhaul. To be honest, we can't really afford it. But you gotta do what you gotta do.

And the chimney won't be done by the time he's born!!!

What will my son think when he sees the chimney half on the roof and half in pieces on the ground? Maybe his 2-day-old eyes won't be developed enough to see the chimney pieces, but surely he'll notice the scaffolding around the house. "Crap, my Dad must be a slouch," he'll think.

Poor little guy. I'll try and get my act together. I promise. Until then, please try to be patient and not look at things too closely.

The chimney will be rebuilt much stronger than it was.